Owning our Failures
We are wired to deal with disruption. From the moment of our disruptive entrance
into the world, we are wielding strategies.
What do we do when our strategies
fail?
When we were young, our response to disruption was
instinctive. When hunger or tiredness or
an irritating sibling disrupted us, we cried.
And that worked well. Eventually,
we learned our environment and our people and quite naturally developed a skill
set that would protect us from disruption.
Whining or stoicism; hitting or passivity; acting out or being
well-behaved. The strategies vary, but
the goal is the same for all of us: protection
from discomfort or pain.
And then we grew up.
We were the adults. Finally in
control of our lives. Curiously,
disruption followed use and grew exponentially.
Each of us acquired our “adult strategies” for managing life’s
intrusions. The macro-disruptions in my
adult life came packaged as loneliness, job stress, marriage (beautiful, but
disruptive), years of infertility, job rejection, adoption, unplanned (but welcomed)
pregnancies, relocation, financial stress, disappointment with friends, family
conflict. I could go on.
You can recall your own life disruptions that
threw you off balance, interspersed with a million micro-disruptions. Whatever our backstory, we share a common
tool belt of coping skills. Which of these strategies do you most
frequently use to respond to disruption?
Denial – “What
disruption? That’s just life. No big deal.”
Consciously or subconsciously, denial keeps us happily in the dark. Some of us have the capacity of live in
denial for a long time. Maybe you are
naturally optimistic, resilient, faith-filled.
You’re not trying to be Pollyanna – it just comes naturally to you. The problem is that Disruption neither needs
your recognition or permission to begin shaping you. Disruption will erode your sunny disposition
and wear you down. . . over time, bit by bit.
Distraction – You
aren’t ignoring the disruptions in life, but you expend great energy keeping
your attention elsewhere. And sometimes
this can feel super spiritual. Count
your blessings. Trust in God. Our hyped up, over-connected culture offers
us a buffet of distraction choices:
social media, Pinterest, shopping, eating, compulsive caring or
over-commitment to good causes.
Distraction keeps us in the shallow end of life’s pool. But Disruption isn’t fooled. Disruption will devour your heart whether you
are spending your days on Facebook or tutoring refugee kids at a local school.
Deadening – When
Disruption gets past denial and distraction, the pain can be intense. Our strategies are designed to keep pain at a
distance, right? So what do we do when
Disruption kicks down the door and pain explodes our heart? Make it go away! We may not have a happy pill, but there many
ways to numb the pain. Sleep, wine,
vaping and Netflix are just a few means of escape that help us forget the pain.
. . at least temporarily. But at some
point you wake up and Disruption is still there. This strategy is short-lived at best, or
addictive and disastrous at worst.
Demanding – For
those of us who grew up feeling confident and empowered, this strategy is
cloaked in resourcefulness and responsibility.
Meet every life disruption head on.
Challenge it, bark out orders, wrestle to take back control. There are countless sub-strategies: get organized, communicate better, expand
your resources, set clear goals. Your MO
is to anticipate and prevent disruption.
But competence does not protect us.
Disruption just sits on the front porch waiting for us to run out of
pages on our “to do” list. All the while
Disruption is spiking our coffee with resentment and anger.
Despair – For
those of us who grew up feeling insecure or powerless, this strategy is cloaked
in acceptance and submission. Despair recognizes
the inevitability of Disruption and sees no point in resisting it. Despair opens the door and lets Disruption
take over the house. There is no point
in trying. Disruption serves as a handy
excuse for not making an effort in other areas of your life. At this point, Disruption is most likely to
steal our heart, because we feel powerless to resist.
There is no order or progression to these strategies. If you are like me, I can wield any or all of
these strategies, depending on the day and the disruption. But every one of these responses to disruption
has failed me. Every one of these
strategies makes Disruption the enemy to be fought. And I am learning that Disruption is just the
front guy for a much deeper enemy. But
that is another post. . . .
